QUESTION: I got married last year and though we had
a fairytale wedding and a fulfilling sex life before, my husband now does not
want to have sex with me.
He has recently sold his business
and, though we are financially secure, I do think he may be going through a bit
of a crisis of confidence.
Another possibility is that he
is worried about having children.
ROWAN SAYS:
Things that people never tell you
No. 5,628: many
couples have a surprisingly rough time in the first year of marriage and
sometimes the fairy-tale romance and wedding may be partly to blame. When
you're swept off your feet by The One and put all your energy into that perfect
wedding day, it is almost inevitable that you will have some form of
anti-climax afterwards.
Prior to that, the Great Love Of Your Life has pushed any career worries and niggling woes
to the back of your mind, but now they
can easily resurface.
All woes seem exaggerated because, hang on a minute,
aren't you supposed to be living a dream life now?
Events that after 12 years of
marriage seem entirely navigable can loom like rocks that will wreck the ship.
Even so, it's clearly not good
news if you're only a year into your marriage and your husband shows no desire
to make love to you. (The reverse
is also true with wives)
The late writer Martyn Harris once wrote something about marriage that I
thought very perspicacious. He noted that among his acquaintance the long-term
couples who were still living happily together had one thing in common: they
all still had sex. It didn't matter whether it was once a day or once a year
(if the partners were both happy with the frequency), so
long as they still wanted to canoodle.
I agree with Harris that sex is part of the glue in
marriage: (Paul the Apostle in
citing a passage in Job alluding to a husband and wife being so close no air
can pass between – declares sex is the glue of marriage – something I did not
understand going into marriage, but came to understand throughout my marriage) not the only part, not necessarily the
most important part, but a pretty essential part while both parties are still
relatively young and active.
So you must tackle this situation
determinedly, tactfully and swiftly. These impasses only become worse with
time. Obviously, you need to talk to your husband, but you wouldn't be writing
to me if he were forthcoming.
Many British men (Christian Husbands) would rather be garroted than talk about
emotions, so I suggest
you loosen him up with a glass or two of wine (Contrary to the doctrine and traditions of men and tortured explanations
about watery wine among bible believing Christiandom, wine as what is sold in
wine bottles today was drank by Christ and the Apostles regularly, and is
wholly scriptural, being a drunkard is not) and maybe trap him somewhere he can't run from
the conversation, like a restaurant.
A good starting point is to find
out whether the sale of his business has deflated his ego. Most men hate being
inactive and no amount of financial security is a sop for that. If losing his
role as boss of a company has laid him low, bear in mind that nothing undermines
the libido faster than depression. (We find this statement to be true. The bible speaks of the voice of joy of
wine, of the voice of the bride and the bridegroom when Jesus turned the water
into wine he made so much that we have no doubt that his gift to the bride and
the bridegroom was a years supply of hin of wine every
night. This notion is shocking to many Christians. Consider also the statement
that Jesus was a winebibber, everything else that was charged against Jesus in
that statement was true, but his drinking wine and becoming mildly drunk and
laughing is inconceivable. And if that were not enough Jesus also addresses
himself frequently as the bridegroom, so that when the disciples of John ask
Him a question of fasting He responds that he and the disciples are celebrating
joy as he is the bridegroom, so that they can not fast while He was yet with
them, All these things have meaning and implications that we will not heed or
consider. Rather walking in the joyless marriage of Augustine where we are eunuchs
and chaste while in marriage or so the thinking goes, which has been a great
scourge to marriage among Christians. And has caused the church never to be
fruitful and multiply and flood the earth with children of righteousness, which
now we are paying for dearly in the US and most westernized nations as the
children of this world seize control of governments, and the Muslims are
fruitful and multiplying as they rise to devour all the EU nations that huddle before
them.)
If he is feeling aimless then you
need to help him find a substantial new project -
you're a partnership now. Some men's sex drives are very closely linked to their work
drives. (True ambitious men,
type “A” personalities have high libido. But also other men can become consumed
by their paper work jobs to the place of dysfunction at home, including sexual dysfunction, in this case his
wife needs to carry him even as Rebekah carried Isaac.)
Now let's tackle the baby issue.
It sounds to me as if you've raised the topic and it hasn't met with overwhelming
enthusiasm. Is
he under any pressure from you? (This is a real possibility, and their can be a number of underlying issues
which your husband may be afraid to voice.
In the case of my own marriage I feared how my wife would be as a
mother, and after she had contacted all my relatives and the preachers that I
knew all of which said she was only behaving badly because I would not give her
a child, and as a man and a Christian I had too. [Ignoring all my pleas of you
don’t know her like I know her] In the end all my fears were borne out that she
was an unfit mother to a greater degree than I could have ever imagined.
Leaving four children deeply hurt and marred from her anger, threats, untreated
depression, and finally shearing the family in two by deceit and then the planned
separation and divorce.) Could he be worried that you no
longer see him as love's young dream so much as the father of your children, (This is a definite reality, as many women
transfer all their love and attention to their babies and children and the
husband more or less becomes cut off.) and that sex is
no longer about carefree passion, but about filling the nursery? (This change in purpose is not something that
is unseen and unnoticed by a husband, the excitement in her voice about sex. The
sparkle in her eyes, the delight, the passion, it all fades and the wife now
just goes through the motions to get. We
can compare this to God’s charge that they draw near to me with their lips but
their heart is far from me. We can compare this to prayer, to one’s personal
relationship to Jesus Christ where in the end He says depart from me for I
never KNEW [Greek Gnosko: To intimately know, the
root word is Gyn as in gynecological] you. A husband acutely senses these changes, one
of the things of sex that I so enjoyed in the beginning of my marriage but was
unable to express that the time, was the euphoria of the opening of our spirits
and souls to one another, and the communion that took place between us. This
was so deep, and so fulfilling, and was similar in some ways to sitting in the
presence and anointing of the Lord. Have you ever in sex felt electric current
in the air all around you and your partner? Have you ever experienced warmth
coming from your partner into you? Have you ever experienced the chill the
prickly feeling as if warm oil was washing over you and your partner during and
after sex? This is the glory of the gift
of sex from God when partaken of rightly. Whether you are saved or
unsaved. Orgasm and afterglow are the
nearest things to the presence and the anointing of God that is available to
unregenerate men.
A broody (moody, brooding, depressed, angry,
unforgiving) woman can
have a startlingly deflating effect on a nervous (Or caring) man. Many
husbands dread the responsibilities attached to fatherhood before their
offspring arrive. If he's not ready for baby duty, he
needs to tell you, and you need to hear it. (And you need to gently probe to find out what really is bothering him
about it and hear what he is saying, not reacting but meditating and holding it
before the Lord until you can see yourself as he sees you, or fatherhood through
his own eyes, and then the Lord will be able to give you the grace to be able change
some aspect of you’re your life, or the wisdom and ability to give your husband
comfort and rest, that he can belay that fear and move forward in his trust and
assurance from you.)
Why don't you suggest a weekend away to the kind of
romantic venue you would have visited before you married?
It sounds as if he needs reassuring that life is still an adventure and not a
domestic life sentence. Don't mention ovulation, and pack your sexiest
lingerie.
But if your conversation takes
you nowhere, one other thought should be considered: isn't it possible that now
the first flush of love has abated, you're finding that your libidos aren't as
perfectly matched as your souls? We do not
agree with the author at all on this point. We strongly believe here that he
has not found the deep satisfaction that can be achieved sexually with you. So
that you need to be a tigress and capture him as prey and overpower him
sexually giving him the time of his life deep into the night until he collapses.
And then wake him in the morning either orally or bouncing on top of him crying
out for more. – Even if he is a dead
stick this should penetrate through the thick veneer of his hide and into his
heart and his soul and move him like Boaz towards Ruth. There are men and women that do not love
themselves, and likewise do not know how to receive love or give love. It is a difficult row to hoe but it can be overcome
with lots of love, affection, touching, and deep meaningful sex.
A question arises here that has been posed to
be by a wife, concerning their husband being different when they were dating
and engaged than now that they are married, and their not understanding what
has changed. She did not understand that
the goal for this type of person (One that hates them self and can not receive,
or give love) as well as many other people during dating and engagement is not necessarily
one of love or personal relationship and this is borne out when there is an
inexplicable change once they have become married.
For these types of people dating is not about
love, or developing a deep abiding personal relationship, but it is instead a
competition, it is all about winning, and material for boasting either to
themselves or themselves in front of their friends, getting that first kiss,
getting as far as they can get with you on a date. And conversely getting out
of you on a date that which you have not or would not do. Heavy petting, oral
sex, having you expose yourself and allowing him to have nude pictures of
yourself, and finally his having whatever wanton sex he can get. This is all about ego. It’s all about
winning. It’s all about bragging rights and marriage is the Super Bowl and the
invite to the Pro Bowl honeymoon which is the end of the game season. So now
you are married and the wedding and honeymoon is over, and the fizz and pop is
gone. Why because it’s no longer about
winning, about getting, boasting rights for oneself, or ones friends. Now that you are married what happens here on
out is based upon love and “personal relationship” what should have been
created during your dating and engagement period. Discovering that your husband or wife married
you for reasons other than “Love” and “Personal Relationship” and you have conversely
invested your love and heartfelt personal relationship with them this kind of
revelation is jarring to say the very least and is very hard to deal with
emotionally. But it can be overcome with patience love, affection, touching,
and deep meaningful sex.
Another bad track for marriage more on the
female side is infatuation, and childish fantasy dreams about the perfect man,
the perfect engagement, the perfect wedding and the perfect marriage.
Invariably the infatuation bubble bursts – and for a childish woman when she
has fallen out of this ethereal dream world love – she becomes despondent and
dysfunctional because she does not know how to give and receive love apart from
being a’gush with infatuation. And even worse
infatuation does not even have to be with the man himself, it could be his
career like an actor or rock singer, it could be his life, that he has a
powerful persona or a exciting like Indiana Jones so that when they get married
and the bubble bursts she finds her self with a strange man that she never knew
and can not cope with building a personal relationship with him from the ground
up. This one requires of the husband to show and prove to this woman your love
and that she can be loved.
This is common and the less libidinous
partner often needs to rev up their act and recognise
that being
sexually desired is a significant part of someone's self-esteem. But
the friskier one shouldn't bully them. This is a noblame
situation, just something that needs delicate negotiation and skilled coaxing.
I often hear married men and
women confess that although they sometimes think they're 'not in the mood' for
sex and are making love only to please their partner, so that they many times
are in that stage proceeding them
finding themselves suddenly swept up and delighted in sex, and afterwards their
bond feels so reinvigorated.
However, if you don't get any
traction on this problem soon I would highly recommend a trip to a Relationship
Counselor or similar couples' therapist. If you leave it the way it is, you
will become increasingly frustrated, and frustration leads to anger, and anger
to the divorce courts. And this is
exactly so for husband that do not continually forgive
their wives and wives that do no continually forgive their husbands. Do not think for a second that we could have
survived for twenty-five long years in an unloving anger filled and often times sexless marriage without continually forgiving our
dysfunctional wife. Had she not jumped ship we would still be married today,
and I would have never left nor forsaken her though her sins against me and our
household were as scarlet. Vicious
problems that began three days after returning from a problem free honeymoon.
The selfishness, the sin, the rebellion, the disobedience against
Christ’s words and commandments and still dare call themselves Christians in
this day and hour is breathtaking.
One of the things I have contemplated is from
the Song of Solomon I have washed my feet and gone to bed. The
statement speaks of their being a laver next to the bed. So that the last thing before the husband and
wife entered into their marital bed was their washing of their feet.
How much more should believing husbands and
wives have a laver by the bed of the house? For that fact it would not do any harm for believers
to have a laver at the door of their house for all that come therein either. (How
could you suggest such an “Old Covenant” thing for New Covenant Christians? It
is spoken of by Christ as part of good manners. [Thought 1: We might well be
found to be ill mannered by God] And as Christ
so humbled himself and did it to the Apostles himself does that hold no meaning
either. [Thought 2: The words and commandments out weight the doctrines and
traditions of men] Regardless of how many pastors and teachers rail against this
any practice of foot washing in any context. Somehow Jesus and His disciples seemed to have
thought this carried weighty New Covenant bearing as they included these things
in the Gospels. And that is enough in itself, no other opinions are needed)
Full forgiveness and full cleansing of one’s
heart and soul before entering into the marital bed is one of the single most
important things in maintaining a marriage.
Having deep abiding NO HOLDS BARRED sex until both husband and wife are
completely sated as is spoken of concerning sex in marriage over and over in
the bible is the single most important thing that is to be done daily or
conversely nightly between a husband and wife in that marital bed.
This kind of sex and relationship between bride and
bridegroom is repeated over and over by God, Solomon, Christ, and the Apostles.
Live it breath it do it.