QUESTION: I got married last year and though we had a fairytale wedding and a fulfilling sex life before, my husband now does not want to have sex with me.
He has recently sold his business and, though we are financially secure, I do think he may be going through a bit of a crisis of confidence.
Another possibility is that he is worried about having children.
Things that people never tell you No. 5,628: many couples have a surprisingly rough time in the first year of marriage and sometimes the fairy-tale romance and wedding may be partly to blame. When you're swept off your feet by The One and put all your energy into that perfect wedding day, it is almost inevitable that you will have some form of anti-climax afterwards.
Prior to that, the Great Love Of Your Life has pushed any career worries and niggling woes to the back of your mind, but now they can easily resurface.
All woes seem exaggerated because, hang on a minute, aren't you supposed to be living a dream life now?
Events that after 12 years of marriage seem entirely navigable can loom like rocks that will wreck the ship.
Even so, it's clearly not good news if you're only a year into your marriage and your husband shows no desire to make love to you. (The reverse is also true with wives)
The late writer Martyn Harris once wrote something about marriage that I thought very perspicacious. He noted that among his acquaintance the long-term couples who were still living happily together had one thing in common: they all still had sex. It didn't matter whether it was once a day or once a year (if the partners were both happy with the frequency), so long as they still wanted to canoodle.
I agree with Harris that sex is part of the glue in marriage: (Paul the Apostle in citing a passage in Job alluding to a husband and wife being so close no air can pass between – declares sex is the glue of marriage – something I did not understand going into marriage, but came to understand throughout my marriage) not the only part, not necessarily the most important part, but a pretty essential part while both parties are still relatively young and active.
So you must tackle this situation determinedly, tactfully and swiftly. These impasses only become worse with time. Obviously, you need to talk to your husband, but you wouldn't be writing to me if he were forthcoming.
Many British men (Christian Husbands) would rather be garroted than talk about emotions, so I suggest you loosen him up with a glass or two of wine (Contrary to the doctrine and traditions of men and tortured explanations about watery wine among bible believing Christiandom, wine as what is sold in wine bottles today was drank by Christ and the Apostles regularly, and is wholly scriptural, being a drunkard is not) and maybe trap him somewhere he can't run from the conversation, like a restaurant.
A good starting point is to find out whether the sale of his business has deflated his ego. Most men hate being inactive and no amount of financial security is a sop for that. If losing his role as boss of a company has laid him low, bear in mind that nothing undermines the libido faster than depression. (We find this statement to be true. The bible speaks of the voice of joy of wine, of the voice of the bride and the bridegroom when Jesus turned the water into wine he made so much that we have no doubt that his gift to the bride and the bridegroom was a years supply of hin of wine every night. This notion is shocking to many Christians. Consider also the statement that Jesus was a winebibber, everything else that was charged against Jesus in that statement was true, but his drinking wine and becoming mildly drunk and laughing is inconceivable. And if that were not enough Jesus also addresses himself frequently as the bridegroom, so that when the disciples of John ask Him a question of fasting He responds that he and the disciples are celebrating joy as he is the bridegroom, so that they can not fast while He was yet with them, All these things have meaning and implications that we will not heed or consider. Rather walking in the joyless marriage of Augustine where we are eunuchs and chaste while in marriage or so the thinking goes, which has been a great scourge to marriage among Christians. And has caused the church never to be fruitful and multiply and flood the earth with children of righteousness, which now we are paying for dearly in the US and most westernized nations as the children of this world seize control of governments, and the Muslims are fruitful and multiplying as they rise to devour all the EU nations that huddle before them.)
If he is feeling aimless then you need to help him find a substantial new project - you're a partnership now. Some men's sex drives are very closely linked to their work drives. (True ambitious men, type “A” personalities have high libido. But also other men can become consumed by their paper work jobs to the place of dysfunction at home, including sexual dysfunction, in this case his wife needs to carry him even as Rebekah carried Isaac.)
Now let's tackle the baby issue. It sounds to me as if you've raised the topic and it hasn't met with overwhelming enthusiasm. Is he under any pressure from you? (This is a real possibility, and their can be a number of underlying issues which your husband may be afraid to voice. In the case of my own marriage I feared how my wife would be as a mother, and after she had contacted all my relatives and the preachers that I knew all of which said she was only behaving badly because I would not give her a child, and as a man and a Christian I had too. [Ignoring all my pleas of you don’t know her like I know her] In the end all my fears were borne out that she was an unfit mother to a greater degree than I could have ever imagined. Leaving four children deeply hurt and marred from her anger, threats, untreated depression, and finally shearing the family in two by deceit and then the planned separation and divorce.) Could he be worried that you no longer see him as love's young dream so much as the father of your children, (This is a definite reality, as many women transfer all their love and attention to their babies and children and the husband more or less becomes cut off.) and that sex is no longer about carefree passion, but about filling the nursery? (This change in purpose is not something that is unseen and unnoticed by a husband, the excitement in her voice about sex. The sparkle in her eyes, the delight, the passion, it all fades and the wife now just goes through the motions to get. We can compare this to God’s charge that they draw near to me with their lips but their heart is far from me. We can compare this to prayer, to one’s personal relationship to Jesus Christ where in the end He says depart from me for I never KNEW [Greek Gnosko: To intimately know, the root word is Gyn as in gynecological] you. A husband acutely senses these changes, one of the things of sex that I so enjoyed in the beginning of my marriage but was unable to express that the time, was the euphoria of the opening of our spirits and souls to one another, and the communion that took place between us. This was so deep, and so fulfilling, and was similar in some ways to sitting in the presence and anointing of the Lord. Have you ever in sex felt electric current in the air all around you and your partner? Have you ever experienced warmth coming from your partner into you? Have you ever experienced the chill the prickly feeling as if warm oil was washing over you and your partner during and after sex? This is the glory of the gift of sex from God when partaken of rightly. Whether you are saved or unsaved. Orgasm and afterglow are the nearest things to the presence and the anointing of God that is available to unregenerate men.
A broody (moody, brooding, depressed, angry, unforgiving) woman can have a startlingly deflating effect on a nervous (Or caring) man. Many husbands dread the responsibilities attached to fatherhood before their offspring arrive. If he's not ready for baby duty, he needs to tell you, and you need to hear it. (And you need to gently probe to find out what really is bothering him about it and hear what he is saying, not reacting but meditating and holding it before the Lord until you can see yourself as he sees you, or fatherhood through his own eyes, and then the Lord will be able to give you the grace to be able change some aspect of you’re your life, or the wisdom and ability to give your husband comfort and rest, that he can belay that fear and move forward in his trust and assurance from you.)
Why don't you suggest a weekend away to the kind of romantic venue you would have visited before you married?
It sounds as if he needs reassuring that life is still an adventure and not a domestic life sentence. Don't mention ovulation, and pack your sexiest lingerie.
But if your conversation takes you nowhere, one other thought should be considered: isn't it possible that now the first flush of love has abated, you're finding that your libidos aren't as perfectly matched as your souls? We do not agree with the author at all on this point. We strongly believe here that he has not found the deep satisfaction that can be achieved sexually with you. So that you need to be a tigress and capture him as prey and overpower him sexually giving him the time of his life deep into the night until he collapses. And then wake him in the morning either orally or bouncing on top of him crying out for more. – Even if he is a dead stick this should penetrate through the thick veneer of his hide and into his heart and his soul and move him like Boaz towards Ruth. There are men and women that do not love themselves, and likewise do not know how to receive love or give love. It is a difficult row to hoe but it can be overcome with lots of love, affection, touching, and deep meaningful sex.
A question arises here that has been posed to be by a wife, concerning their husband being different when they were dating and engaged than now that they are married, and their not understanding what has changed. She did not understand that the goal for this type of person (One that hates them self and can not receive, or give love) as well as many other people during dating and engagement is not necessarily one of love or personal relationship and this is borne out when there is an inexplicable change once they have become married.
For these types of people dating is not about love, or developing a deep abiding personal relationship, but it is instead a competition, it is all about winning, and material for boasting either to themselves or themselves in front of their friends, getting that first kiss, getting as far as they can get with you on a date. And conversely getting out of you on a date that which you have not or would not do. Heavy petting, oral sex, having you expose yourself and allowing him to have nude pictures of yourself, and finally his having whatever wanton sex he can get. This is all about ego. It’s all about winning. It’s all about bragging rights and marriage is the Super Bowl and the invite to the Pro Bowl honeymoon which is the end of the game season. So now you are married and the wedding and honeymoon is over, and the fizz and pop is gone. Why because it’s no longer about winning, about getting, boasting rights for oneself, or ones friends. Now that you are married what happens here on out is based upon love and “personal relationship” what should have been created during your dating and engagement period. Discovering that your husband or wife married you for reasons other than “Love” and “Personal Relationship” and you have conversely invested your love and heartfelt personal relationship with them this kind of revelation is jarring to say the very least and is very hard to deal with emotionally. But it can be overcome with patience love, affection, touching, and deep meaningful sex.
Another bad track for marriage more on the female side is infatuation, and childish fantasy dreams about the perfect man, the perfect engagement, the perfect wedding and the perfect marriage. Invariably the infatuation bubble bursts – and for a childish woman when she has fallen out of this ethereal dream world love – she becomes despondent and dysfunctional because she does not know how to give and receive love apart from being a’gush with infatuation. And even worse infatuation does not even have to be with the man himself, it could be his career like an actor or rock singer, it could be his life, that he has a powerful persona or a exciting like Indiana Jones so that when they get married and the bubble bursts she finds her self with a strange man that she never knew and can not cope with building a personal relationship with him from the ground up. This one requires of the husband to show and prove to this woman your love and that she can be loved.
This is common and the less libidinous partner often needs to rev up their act and recognise that being sexually desired is a significant part of someone's self-esteem. But the friskier one shouldn't bully them. This is a noblame situation, just something that needs delicate negotiation and skilled coaxing.
I often hear married men and women confess that although they sometimes think they're 'not in the mood' for sex and are making love only to please their partner, so that they many times are in that stage proceeding them finding themselves suddenly swept up and delighted in sex, and afterwards their bond feels so reinvigorated.
However, if you don't get any traction on this problem soon I would highly recommend a trip to a Relationship Counselor or similar couples' therapist. If you leave it the way it is, you will become increasingly frustrated, and frustration leads to anger, and anger to the divorce courts. And this is exactly so for husband that do not continually forgive their wives and wives that do no continually forgive their husbands. Do not think for a second that we could have survived for twenty-five long years in an unloving anger filled and often times sexless marriage without continually forgiving our dysfunctional wife. Had she not jumped ship we would still be married today, and I would have never left nor forsaken her though her sins against me and our household were as scarlet. Vicious problems that began three days after returning from a problem free honeymoon.
The selfishness, the sin, the rebellion, the disobedience against Christ’s words and commandments and still dare call themselves Christians in this day and hour is breathtaking.
One of the things I have contemplated is from the Song of Solomon I have washed my feet and gone to bed. The statement speaks of their being a laver next to the bed. So that the last thing before the husband and wife entered into their marital bed was their washing of their feet.
How much more should believing husbands and wives have a laver by the bed of the house? For that fact it would not do any harm for believers to have a laver at the door of their house for all that come therein either. (How could you suggest such an “Old Covenant” thing for New Covenant Christians? It is spoken of by Christ as part of good manners. [Thought 1: We might well be found to be ill mannered by God] And as Christ so humbled himself and did it to the Apostles himself does that hold no meaning either. [Thought 2: The words and commandments out weight the doctrines and traditions of men] Regardless of how many pastors and teachers rail against this any practice of foot washing in any context. Somehow Jesus and His disciples seemed to have thought this carried weighty New Covenant bearing as they included these things in the Gospels. And that is enough in itself, no other opinions are needed)
Full forgiveness and full cleansing of one’s heart and soul before entering into the marital bed is one of the single most important things in maintaining a marriage. Having deep abiding NO HOLDS BARRED sex until both husband and wife are completely sated as is spoken of concerning sex in marriage over and over in the bible is the single most important thing that is to be done daily or conversely nightly between a husband and wife in that marital bed.
This kind of sex and relationship between bride and bridegroom is repeated over and over by God, Solomon, Christ, and the Apostles.
Live it breath it do it.